


Investigating App Software in Philadelphia

by ChloShow



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Drugs, Gen, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury, Racism, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 08:32:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6898660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChloShow/pseuds/ChloShow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Gang has beef with Pied Piper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

INT. THE INCUBATOR - MORNING

Everyone's in their usual spots.

**ERLICH**

Hey, who neglected to wash the coffee machine? It has very delicate parts and must be cleaned after each use. I clearly outlined that in the residential contract.

**GILFOYLE**

Did you outline this in your residential contract?

GILFOYLE flips him off. DINESH finds this amusing.

Nothing's out of the ordinary...except--

A water balloon filled with marinara sauce explodes against the living room window.

**ERLICH**

Those adderall boys. I swear if their mothers are allowing this, I'm reporting them to the Neighborhood Watch.

**JARED**

With what recourse. You have copious amounts of illegal substances on the premises as well as a company operating within the confines of your home.

This doesn't stop ERLICH.

EXT. THE INCUBATOR - MORNING

**ERLICH**

Hey, you fetal skeezoids, get the fuck off my lawn or I'll--who the fuck are you?

The GANG freeze and poise to strike.

**CHARLIE**

This is for Paddy's!

The GANG aim and fire, covering Erlich in marinara sauce.

Opening credits

INT. THE INCUBATOR - MORNING

DINESH and GILFOYLE peak through the blinds, describing the scene.

**DINESH**

It's four dudes and a lady. I don't recognize them, but--ah, one of them has pulled their pants down.

**JARED**

Oh?

JARED approaches the window. ERLICH enters through the front door soaked in Italian meat sauce.

**ERLICH**

Jared! Meet me out back immediately. I have to be hosed down.

**RICHARD**

Can't you just use the shower.

**ERLICH**

Nice one, Richie. If you want to clog the plumbing and cause further property damage, be my guest, but I'm being the responsible adult here.

ERLICH exits and returns.

**ERLICH**

That was rhetorical; don't cause any further damage to my property.

ERLICH exits once more.

**GILFOYLE**

That's not what rhetorical means.

**DINESH**

I really think this dude is trying to shit on our lawn.

**RICHARD**

That's it. Jared, come with me.

**JARED**

But Erlich--

RICHARD only has to stare at him for JARED to give in.

**JARED**

Coming.

EXT. THE INCUBATOR - MORNING

RICHARD and JARED exit the Incubator with JARED shielding RICHARD with a transparent umbrella. They disrupt the GANG watching CHARLIE attempt to shit on the lawn.

**CHARLIE**

It's almost there. I swear.

**FRANK**

What did you eat today, Charlie?

**CHARLIE**

I ate some beer, some airplane peanuts.

**DENNIS**

Charlie, you did not _eat_ beer. You drank it.

**CHARLIE**

Nah, I brew my own stuff now. Special herbs and spices.

RICHARD is mesmerized.

**JARED**

Excuse me.

This is the first time the GANG has noticed their new enemies. CHARLIE has pulled up his pants to preserve his dignity. MAC and DEE hold their balloons expectantly, but DENNIS waves them to stand down.

**DENNIS**

Hold on, guys. This looks like a reasonable man.

**RICHARD**

What do you guys want?

**FRANK**

We want our brand, you name-stealing bitch.

**RICHARD**

Name? What name?

**MAC**

Paddy's Pub. That's us. Not you guys.

**DEE**

Yeah, and yours just stands for pussy pricks.

This was not a good joke, and everyone knows it.

**DEE**

What? It's too dry here; I can't think.

**MAC**

There is no relationship between intelligence and humidity. That's basic science.

**DENNIS**

Shut up, okay, SHUT UP. Let me explain, one businessman to another, what our little dilemma is.

**JARED**

(quietly to RICHARD)

I feel like we should just call the police.

**RICHARD**

There shouldn't be any copyright problems with the name of your bar and our company.

**FRANK**

Liars! No-good, hippie shit, California business talk!

**DENNIS**

Frank...

**DEE**

Listen can we get this over with so I can go to the beach.

**DENNIS**

Let's just go inside. Can we please go inside and get some water? Hm? It would be much easier to explain without this air drying out my pores.

**JARED**

(to RICHARD)

No.

**RICHARD**

Sure, fine.

**JARED**

Uh, Richard, are you aware that these people were just about to defecate on your property? They don't sound like people you reason with.

**RICHARD**

They're obviously confused about something. It'll take two seconds to clear up.

INT. THE INCUBATOR - MORNING

ALL enter the Incubator.

**ERLICH**

(shouting from off screen)

Jared! I am cooking like a meatball out here. My skin is very sensitive, and I haven't applied sunscreen!

**JARED**

(hesitant to leave RICHARD alone)

Okay, coming.

**DENNIS**

I think I should be the one heading off the negotiating process. Frank, you have the business smarts, but your brain is going so--everyone just chill in here.

DEE, CHARLIE, FRANK, and MAC find seats around the communal workspace, while RICHARD and DENNIS meet in the kitchen.

**DENNIS**

(spying JARED spraying ERLICH)

Ah, you have a pool. I bet that increases the property value, huh?

**RICHARD**

I guess. Listen, uh, actually I don't know your name.

**DENNIS**

It's Dennis.

(extends his hand to shake)

Dennis Reynolds.

**RICHARD**

I'm Richard Hendricks.

**DENNIS**

Richard. Can I call you Dick? Ha-ha, just joking, but I can if you want me to.

**RICHARD**

No, just Richard.

**DENNIS**

Now, Richard, what me and my friends have brought to you today is a chance to--

**RICHARD**

Change the world?

**DENNIS**

In a way, yes. But, in other ways no. No, we need your Pied Piper logo for an app we're developing. Unfortunately, your business and our establishment share some common design elements.

DENNIS hands Richard a picture of the Paddy's Pub app on his phone. It's a green shamrock and features two Ps.

**RICHARD**

Oh.

**DENNIS**

The whole outline of the app was in that email I sent you about the whole debacle.

**RICHARD**

E-mail? What e-mail?

**DENNIS**

The e-mail I sent in response to _your_ email saying we couldn't use this logo design.

**RICHARD**

I'm sorry, but I was never informed of any email. I have a--Jared takes care of any business correspondence, and if he said we can't negotiate, then that's our final answer.

**DENNIS**

If you didn't read the e-mail, I'd like to talk to the man who did.

**RICHARD**

That would be, uhh--

(he looks at JARED out the window)

Cut to living room

INT. THE INCUBATOR - MORNING

**DEE**

So who's the boss around here, hm?

**DINESH**

That would be Richard. He's the one talking in the kitchen with ah-

**DEE**

(grimacing at RICHARD from afar)

Dennis. He's my brother. So Richard, is he rich?

**DINESH**

Technically, he's poor. But imagine he owns this gold mine and he can't reach the gold but he knows he'll be able to sell it eventually. Then we'll all be rich.

**GILFOYLE**

Great analogy. Do you pan for gold on the weekends, prospector?

**DINESH**

Shut up. It's apropos. We live in California. I'm allowed to make a gold rush pun at least once.

**CHARLIE**

So where is this gold?

**MAC**

There is no gold, Charlie. It's just an example.

**CHARLIE**

But he was saying--

GILFOYLE watches DINESH suffer.

**GILFOYLE**

(to DEE)

Did he eat glue as a child?

**DEE**

Oh, it wouldn't surprise me. Hey, I was thinking, you're pretty cute, and--

**GILFOYLE**

No thanks. I don't go for gold diggers.

**DINESH**

What did you say about puns?

**GILFOYLE**

It was woefully unintentional.

**DEE**

(affronted)

Well, I'm going to pop my shirt off and catch some rays outside if you don't mind.

DEE takes her shirt off to reveal a bikini top. She takes off her pants too to reveal bikini bottoms. Exit DEE.

**DINESH**

Okay, I'm not interested in her in the slightest--

**GILFOYLE**

Uh-huh.

**DINESH**

But why didn't she try to hit on me? I'm a part of the company same as you and Richard. Why don't I get advances from crass, money-hungry women?

**MAC**

Excuse me, do you do this sidebar thing all the time?

**GILFOYLE**

Hm?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, you just shut the whole world out to talk to each other.

**MAC**

Frank's sitting here breastfeeding from a sauce balloon, and you completely ignore it to bicker.

**GILFOYLE**

Are your tattoos as permanent as your stupidity?

**MAC**

You wouldn't understand tattoos because they're so deep and meaningful, unlike you.

**GILFOYLE**

I'm sure that feather means you're a lightweight.

**MAC**

Oh yeah? Prepare to eat your words, pussyface, cause it's got a heavyweight spiritual meaning.

**DINESH**

Actually Gilfoyle has a tattoo of an upside down cross.

**MAC**

Well, that's very holy because Saint Peter was crucified upside down. But not as religious as a feather obviously.

**GILFOYLE**

It's also a symbol for LaVeyen Satanism.

**MAC**

Come again?

**GILFOYLE**

I'm a Satanist.

**CHARLIE**

Whoaaa, dude, so do you like drink chicken blood and dance around bonfires in costumes?

**GILFOYLE**

You're thinking of the band KISS.

**MAC**

Charlie.

MAC and CHARLIE turn to have a sidebar.

**MAC**

We have to get out of here. I may as well be talking to the Devil himself.

**CHARLIE**

Alright, let's just follow Dee.

**DINESH**

(to GILFOYLE)

Now that we're on the receiving end of a sidebar, I have to say I feel really excluded.

**GILFOYLE**

That's the point.

**CHARLIE**

Hey!  You can't have a sidebar while we have a sidebar!

**MAC**

We exclude you! Not the other way around! I'm storming out!

CHARLIE and MAC storm out in the direction of the backyard.

**GILFOYLE**

I feel like I just talked about nothing for a solid 10 minutes.

**DINESH**

That's a surprise, seeing as most of the stuff out of your mouth is meaningless.

FRANK continues to eat the sauce balloon, much to DINESH and GILFOYLE's interest.

EXT. YARD - MORNING

DENNIS and RICHARD speak to JARED spraying Erlich with a hose.

**JARED**

This would go much quicker if I turned the jet up.

**ERLICH**

The blast would damage my skin, but you wouldn't know because you're made out of porcelain.

**JARED**

Thank you.

**DENNIS**

Helloooo--

**RICHARD**

Jared.

**DENNIS**

Jared. I know I was dismissive of you earlier. I took you as a meek, man of no real responsibility, but now I learn that you were the one who read and replied to my e-mail.

DEE enters.

**DEE**

Sup, boners.

**DENNIS**

Not now. I'm conducting a very important business meeting.

SHOT: JARED is still soaking ERLICH's face, arms, and legs.

**JARED**

Excuse me, Mr. Reynolds. I read your e-mail, and you don't have a case against us. If we were to sue, I assure you it would be very costly and might put your pub out of business. So in the best interest of everyone--

**DENNIS**

(confronting JARED)

Don't tell me what's in my best interest. You saw that small, troll man inside, yes?

**JARED**

Yes.

**DENNIS**

That is Frank Reynolds, and he has enough money to sue the fucking pants off you 10 times over.

**ERLICH**

_That_ ' _s_  Frank Reynolds? The Warthog Reynolds? He's ruthless, Richard. He came out of retirement to help save his old company but instead went behind everyone's back and sold it to the Japanese.

**DENNIS**

That he did.

**ERLICH**

And that makes you Dennis and Dee Reynolds.

**DEE**

Huh?

**ERLICH**

You're his children, correct?

**DENNIS**

Technically--

**DEE**

(she has a plan)

Yes, yes we are.

(to DENNIS quietly)

Shut up, I'm working an angle here.

**DENNIS**

So--

Enter CHARLIE and MAC.

**CHARLIE**

Heyoo!! Oh, shit! They have a pool!

CHARLIE and MAC begin stripping then dive into the pool.

**MAC**

Is this all deep end?

**ERLICH**

Indeed it is.

**DEE**

So, what is your role in this company?

**ERLICH**

My role? I own 10% of the company as well as the fine domicile you see before you.

**DENNIS**

Dee, get the fuck out of my business negotiations.

**RICHARD**

I think we're done here.

JARED takes RICHARD aside.

**JARED**

Keep in mind he could still sue us and keep us clogged up in court, which would be a significant setback to the company's time and resources, not to mention funds.

**RICHARD**

I mean, we're done here, in the backyard. Let's go inside.

**DEE**

Leaving so soon? I was just about to go for a soak.

DEE walks backwards onto the diving board, slipping and hitting her head on the end of the board.

**ERLICH**

Holy fuck, what just happened!

**CHARLIE**

Dee! Dee!

**DENNIS**

Clumsy bitch ruins everything. I can't even have a moment, oh, no one's listening now because my attention whore sister had to make everything ABOUT HER.

DEE groans, floating barely with a diffuse cloud of blood around her head.

**RICHARD**

Should someone get her before she drowns?

**JARED**

I think it's against emergency protocol to move someone after they sustain a head injury.

**ERLICH**

We can't just stand here! Someone call an ambulance.

**MAC**

This is too much responsibility for me.

MAC stays away from DEE, while CHARLIE pokes her.

**DEE**

No, ambulance.

**ERLICH**

What, why not?

**DENNIS**

We don't exactly have health insurance.

DEE continues to groan.

**DEE**

(mumbling incoherently)

Oh you sons of bitches, oh you goddamn idiots. I swear if you let me die I'll fucking climb out of this pool and crawl to a hospital just to spite you.

JARED grabs a pool net, nudging her body to the side while DEE makes bubbles with her mouth as she sinks.

**DENNIS**

Someone has to drive her to the hospital. If she dies in your pool, you're going to jail!

**ERLICH**

I actually just live here.

**DENNIS**

_You just said you owned this shit hole you fat Irish piece of shit!_

**ERLICH**

Okay, first, never call a Dane an Irishman. Secondly, fish her out, and I'll take her to a hospital. 


	2. Chapter 2

INT. THE INCUBATOR - AFTERNOON

DINESH and GILFOYLE are mesmerized by FRANK, now asleep with sauce all over him and holding a balloon. They're commentating.

**GILFOYLE**

I bet $30 he's gonna drop it on the ground in the next 2 minutes. 

**DINESH**

I don't know. I think it's going to fall in the bucket.

**GILFOYLE**

Deal.

JARED and ERLICH carry DEE through the living room with a towel wrapped around her neck to staunch the bleeding.

**GILFOYLE**

Whoa, whoa, whoa what did we miss?

**ERLICH**

Easy, Jared. 

**DENNIS**

My idiot sister fell into the pool and cracked her head open.

**DEE**

Crack.

**ERLICH**

Richard, make yourself useful and get the door for us.

RICHARD opens the front door for JARED and ERLICH. All three exit.

FRANK stirs as the door slams, and the balloon falls squarely into the bucket.

**GILFOYLE**

Fuck.

**DINESH**

Fuck yes. Pay up, loser.

EXT. THE INCUBATOR - AFTERNOON

ERLICH and JARED maneuver DEE into the back seat gracelessly.

**ERLICH**

Richard, I'm taking Jared with me to the hospital. You think you can make sure these bozos don't burn down the house?

**RICHARD**

Wait, why do you need Jared?

**JARED**

I have to make sure she doesn't fall asleep or injure herself further.

**DEE**

(half conscious and grabbing at JARED's face)

Don't touch me...

**RICHARD**

Why can't I go with you instead?

**ERLICH**

Oh, Richard, those boys in there would eat Jared alive. You might be a thin, neurotic infant, but Jared here is a tall, neurotic corpse. A pushover if you will. No offense Richard.

**JARED**

(not realizing the apologizing isn't directed at him until it's too late)

None taken.

**ERLICH**

Besides, you have Dinesh and Gilfoyle.

ERLICH closes his car door and drives away, leaving RICHARD helpless.

INT. THE INCUBATOR - AFTERNOON

DENNIS, GILFOYLE, and DINESH watch FRANK suck on a balloon while asleep.

**DENNIS**

It's absolutely amazing what this man can do in his sleep. I once saw him fall asleep at the bar, down three vodka shots, and walk out the door: all unconscious.

**DINESH**

Where did he go?

**DENNIS**

Huh?

**GILFOYLE**

After he walked out the door. Where did he go?

**DENNIS**

Fuck, if I know.

Enter RICHARD.

**RICHARD**

Okay, guys, I need to lay some ground rules.

Enter CHARLIE and MAC, soaking wet.

**CHARLIE**

Hey, where are the towels?

FRANK hands CHARLIE a balloon in his sleep.

**CHARLIE**

Oh, thanks, man.

**MAC**

You guys don't wanna go swimming. There's blood in the pool now, and I thought I could just ignore it but no.

**CHARLIE**

I got some in my mouth; I think I swallowed too much maybe. It didn't taste good, but it didn't taste bad, so.

**DENNIS**

Charlie, don't drink blood.

**RICHARD**

This is what I'm talking about. You two need to sit in here where I can keep an eye on you.

CHARLIE and MAC go to sit, but they're very wet.

**RICHARD**

AH! But not by the computers okay. I'll show you the bathroom, and you can take a shower, but you have to immediately come back here to the living room.

**MAC**

You can't tell me what to do, but I feel disgusting so I might probably take a shower.

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, I'm fine.

**RICHARD**

You can't sit in here soaking wet in your underwear. Gilfoyle, help me.

**GILFOYLE**

What do you want me to do, bathe him?

**MAC**

Oh, also I can't be in the same room as him because he loves Satan and is probably gay and is everything wrong about humanity.

**RICHARD**

Wow, okay, I'm sure we can work something out.

**GILFOYLE**

Are you agreeing with him?

**RICHARD**

No, I'm not--don't be ridiculous.

**GILFOYLE**

Because if you are, I might have to report you to Jared.

CHARLIE bursts his balloon, and sauce goes everywhere. 

**CHARLIE**

Oops, hahah, I'm sort of used to biting my food, and I bit too hard on the thing.

RICHARD is disgusted, and DENNIS, GILFOYLE, and DINESH turn away. 

**DENNIS**

(to DINESH)

So what do you guys do here?

**DINESH**

It's actually pretty interesting--

**RICHARD**

Gilfoyle?

GILFOYLE doesn't respond or acknowledge RICHARD's existence.

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - AFTERNOON

ERLICH approaches a medical official, leaving JARED solely supporting DEE.

**ERLICH**

Excuse me, my...friend here suffered an accident today, and she might have a broken neck so we need to be seen immediately.

**MEDICAL PERSONNEL**

Name?

**ERLICH**

Her name or my name.

**MEDICAL PERSONNEL**

The patient's name.

**ERLICH**

Uh, Dee Reynolds.

**MEDICAL PERSONNEL**

Thank you, so if you'd just take a number and wait in one of our patient cubicores, we'll be with you as soon as we can.

**ERLICH**

She's literally bleeding out of her head. What more damage does she have to suffer to get immediate treatment?

**MEDICAL PERSONNEL**

I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to wait until we're ready for you.

**ERLICH**

This is bullshit.

ERLICH walks back to the waiting area where all the seats are fused together into a almost a full circle.

**ERLICH**

(to JARED)

What are these goddamn structural monstrosities?

**JARED**

Ah, the cubicores are designed to facilitate empathy between patients waiting for medical assistance. The quiet support is supposed to offer a sense of solidarity and reassurance.

**ERLICH**

Is that man dead?

A man is sitting in an adjacent cubicore with at least 5 other people.

**ERLICH**

You said these seats were supposed to foster empathy; why is no one over there helping that man? Goddamn animals.

**JARED**

You could inform the supervisor that you believe something's amiss.

**ERLICH**

No, it's not my responsibility, but somebody over there should definitely do something about it.

**DEE**

(now stirring)

I think I can take this towel off now. It should be all scabbed up.

**JARED**

No, don't remove the towel. Your skin probably fused to the fibers after the blood dried.

**DEE**

(she removes the towel and immediately starts bleeding)

Fuck! Nurse, I'm dying! I'm bleeding to death!

The blood is quite impressive. Someone drops by with a roll of gauze and medical tape.

**DEE**

Thank you. It's about time I--wait, where are you going? Hey! Whoa, I'm feeling sort of light headed now.

**ERLICH**

Jared, patch her up before she faints. She's stained enough of my upholstery and clothing for the day.

**JARED**

(amused and patching up DEE)

It's a good thing I was in an alternative scouting troop. They taught us first aid and which physical features indicate weakness. To get our badges for example, the other scouts had to judge my emotional, moral, and mental attributes according to my appearance. One boy called me a weak-willed, sycophantic worm with homosexual urges. He was the troop favorite.

**DEE**

Yeah my Pop Pop sent us to a camp like that. Some Hitler Youth thing.

**ERLICH**

I tried the Boy Scouts, but the authoritarian environment wasn't conducive to my inner personal growth.

**JARED**

You're right. You're an independent thinker with a free spirit.

**ERLICH**

And don't forget tastemaker.

INT. THE INCUBATOR - EVENING

CHARLIE and MAC sit in a corner away from the computers eating pizza while RICHARD watches. FRANK continues to sleep, but he walks into ERLICH's room.

**MAC**

Charlie, what the fuck is Frank doing?

**CHARLIE**

Oh, he learned that we spend a third of our lives in sleep, so he's trying out this thing where he sleeps for a solid day every two days. He sleeps for a while, but after too long he gets up and does stuff just like he's awake.

FRANK re-enters the room with a bag of weed, munching on it. RICHARD moves to take the bag away, but CHARLIE stops him.

**CHARLIE**

I wouldn't do that if I were you. I woke him up when he was in the middle of eating one of my shirts, and he didn't stop screaming for hours. 

RICHARD sits back down and leaves FRANK to it.

INT. THE KITCHEN - EVENING

DINESH, GILFOYLE, and DENNIS lean against the countertop, shooting the shit, drinking beer, and eating pizza.

**DENNIS**

I regret bringing _them_ with me. They pull me down into the trash with them, but I"m just a normal guy, ya know.

**GILFOYLE**

Yeah, but weren't you trying to vandalize our property.

**DENNIS**

I got swept into the moment. It's a Philly thing. We get mad. We riot. Et cetera, et cetera.

**DINESH**

I hope your sister is okay.

**DENNIS**

Dee? She's bounced back from worse. No, what I'm interested in is checking out the night life here. Bet there's some wild tail, am I right?

**DINESH**

I don't really go to clubs.

**GILFOYLE**

No surprise there.

**DENNIS**

Dude, when was the last time you really ploughed?

**DINESH**

I don't really like to talk about it.

**GILFOYLE**

That's a lie. He talks about sex literally nonstop. Sometimes I think he's a virgin, but that's probably just me assuming the worst.

**DINESH**

Shut the fuck up, Gilfoyle.

**DENNIS**

(rubbing his hands and setting down his drink)

You know what we need to do then?

**DINESH**

No. Wait, let me rephrase that. No, I'm not going clubbing.

**DENNIS**

Come on! It's not like we're doing anything else other than babysitting Charlie, Mac, and Frank.

**GILFOYLE**

I'm in.

**DENNIS**

Come on, Dinesh. Let loose! I thought California was supposed to be relaxing, Jesus fucking Christ.

**DINESH**

Fine, I'll go, but only to avoid getting stuck with Richard, speaking of which...maybe we shouldn't leave him alone in there. 

**GILFOYLE**

He looks like he's finally realized how shitty his life is. His lips have completely disappeared.

INT. THE INCUBATOR - EVENING

DINESH, GILFOYLE, and DENNIS enter the workspace.

**CHARLIE**

(eating weed)

I knew they made weed brownies, but I never knew they made weed cotton candy! Oh man, doesn't taste like cotton candy though.

**MAC**

That's because you're just straight up eating marijuana, Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

You should have some. It'll relax you.

**MAC**

It's only legal here medicinally

**GILFOYLE**

You're saying you won't do drugs because they're illegal, but you'll break other laws. Sounds like you're cherry-picking.

**MAC**

I'm sorry, Charlie, is someone talking to me?

**RICHARD**

(to GILFOYLE)

Don't antagonize him.

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, Gargoyle said you're cherry-picking. But that's so stupid. He should've said pepper-picking.

**MAC**

Wait, why?

**CHARLIE**

Ya know, this place is called Peter Pepper from that nursery rhyme.

**RICHARD**

It's Pied Piper.

**CHARLIE**

That's what I said.

**MAC**

No, it's Peter Piper.

**CHARLIE**

No way. Peter Pepper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

**MAC**

It's 'Peter _Piper_ picked a peck of pickled peppers.'

**CHARLIE**

'Piper' doesn't even make sense though. The man doesn't eat pipes.

**RICHARD**

(bursting)

_It's Pied Piper!_

There's silence for a beat.

**GILFOYLE**

(googling)

Mac's right. It's Peter Piper.

**MAC**

Don't patronize me, you--you--

**DINESH**

Satanist?

MAC

Fuck you too, Kumar.

Enter ERLICH, DEE, and JARED.

**RICHARD**

Thank God, you're back.

**ERLICH**

We had to wait 6 hours for a neck brace.

**RICHARD**

What, so everything's fine?

**DEE**

I didn't break my back if that's what you mean, but I feel like shit.

**JARED**

Erlich? Is it okay if I set her up in your room? She needs rest, and that would be best in an actual bed, not a cot, or else I would offer.

**ERLICH**

(not happy about it)

Fine.

**JARED**

(to DEE)

I'm not doing this because you're a woman. I'd do this if you were a man. I just want you to be comfortable.

**DEE**

You've been like this the entire time. Do you have an off switch?

**RICHARD**

No, that's just Jared.

JARED escorts DEE to ERLICH's room.

**RICHARD**

(to ERLICH)

Hey, can I talk to you...privately?

**ERLICH**

Sure. That's my favorite type of talking.


	3. Chapter 3

INT. RICHARD's ROOM - EVENING

RICHARD closes the door.

**ERLICH**

What's this about?

**RICHARD**

What's this about? It's about the 5 monsters out there that are currently destroying my life.

**ERLICH**

They're not that bad. Sweet Dee is, dare I say, pretty sweet for a girl of her nature.

**RICHARD**

You're just interested in her because of her dad, the one out there who just ate all your weed.

**ERLICH**

He did _what?_ Richard, we have to get these monsters out of here.

**RICHARD**

Yeah, but how are we gonna do that? We can't tell them to leave. We can't call the police. What the fuck would we even say?

**ERLICH**

I have an idea. They own a bar right?

**RICHARD**

Yeah, so.

**ERLICH**

They must be alcoholics. We'll put some Z-quil in a couple six packs, and they'll be out for the rest of the night. 

**RICHARD**

That doesn't get rid of them.

**ERLICH**

No, but it gives us time to think of another plan.

**RICHARD**

Okay, fine. 

**ERLICH**

I'll get the beer. You get the Z-quil, and meet me in the garage.

INT. THE INCUBATOR - EVENING

**CHARLIE**

(from the kitchen)

Hey, where are all the peppers?

**JARED**

Um, excuse me?

**CHARLIE**

The peppers. You're a pepper company, so where are all the peppers?

**JARED**

I don't understand. We're not a pepper company. Where would you get that idea?

**MAC**

He's just confused because of the rhyme your company is named after is about picking peppers.

**GILFOYLE**

Can we get out of here as soon as possible?

**DENNIS**

Yes.

**GILFOYLE**

Dinesh, you might want to change that shirt. We're not going to a  _rugby_ club.

**DINESH**

What should I wear then, huh?

**GILFOYLE**

I'll show you.

DEE enters the room, looking for JARED.

**DEE**

Hey, my little servant ran away, and I really need some water.

**DINESH**

Jared's over there explaining something to Charlie. Oh, and your brother is really cool by the way.

**DEE**

Dennis?

**GILFOYLE**

We're going clubbing.

**DEE**

So you can pick up underage girls? Newsflash. He's a serial rapist.

(to JARED)

You left without giving me a bell so I could summon you. I need some water, the wi-fi password, and some more pillows.

**DINESH**

Holy fuck.

**GILFOYLE**

That's it. I'm out.

**DINESH**

Do you think she's joking?

**GILFOYLE**

I was wondering why Dennis would hang with these people, and now I know why.

**DINESH**

We can't just tell him no after we said yes. He doesn't seem like the type of guy to take no for an answer.

**GILFOYLE**

Hence the serial raping.

DENNIS sidles up out of the blue.

**DENNIS**

Hey guys, what's the hold up? 

**GILFOYLE**

We're just--

**DINESH**

Discussing where we're gonna go.

**DENNIS**

That's great, but we can do that in the car. Let's hurry it up.

(he sets his hand on DINESH in a weird display of power)

Exit DENNIS.

**GILFOYLE**

Fuck it, I'm back in. I can't let him murder you and sleep tonight.

**DINESH**

Did I miss the part where he's a murderer, or is he just a serial rapist?

**GILFOYLE**

No one is _just_ a serial rapist, Dinesh. There's something about him that screams "Ted Bundy wannabe." Trust me. I have a plan.

INT.THE GARAGE - NIGHT

RICHARD meets ERLICH.

**RICHARD**

So how are we going to do this?

**ERLICH**

We're going to put the Z-quil into the beer. What's so hard about that?

**RICHARD**

No, how are we going to convince them to drink pre-opened beers?

**ERLICH**

Shit, you're right. Uh, we'll screw the tops back on when we're done. They're from the East Coast, Richard, and not even the good part. They won't notice.

**RICHARD**

Here. How much do we put in each drink?

**ERLICH**

I don't know how fast acting that shit is, so maybe a couple caps per beer?

**RICHARD**

I don't think there's that much in here for 12 beers.

ERLICH

We'll just eyeball it then. They'll go through these babies like nothing, so it doesn't matter.

They begin their scheme.

INT. GILFOYLE'S STATION WAGON - NIGHT

DENNIS sits in the back seat. GILFOYLE drives; DINESH rides shotgun.

**DENNIS**

So where are we going?

**GILFOYLE**

It's a surprise.

**DINESH**

(quietly)

Where _are_  we going?

**GILFOYLE**

You'll know when we stop.

**DENNIS**

It's been a little while, and I barely know you guys, so I think it's fair to ask where we're going.

**GILFOYLE**

San Francisco. If you're looking for hot women, we need to get out of the Valley first.

SHOT: CAR DRIVING DOWN THE FREEWAY

**DINESH**

So, Dennis, what's life for you like in Philadelphia? Who do you live with?

**DENNIS**

Currently, I'm living with Dee and Mac. Me and Mac's apartment burned down a couple years ago, so we've been bumming it in Dee's apartment.

**GILFOYLE**

How can you live with that guy?

**DENNIS**

Tell me about it! He never shuts up about God and working out. Not to mention he's super gay.

**GILFOYLE**

Ah, classic closet case. 

GILFOYLE looks at DINESH without DINESH noticing.

**DINESH**

Not to be mean, but Dee seems like she'd be difficult to live with.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, she's pretty particular about Mac and Charlie not destroying her furniture, and she's always hassling us to move out, but what are ya gonna do?

**DINESH**

Does she have anything against, I don't know, Pakistan or anything because she was trying to hit on Gilfoyle and Richard for their money, but she completely ignored me.

**GILFOYLE**

Just drop it.

**DENNIS**

No, she's an equal opportunity whore. If she didn't make a pass at you, she probably thinks you're gay.

**DINESH**

Oh, that's..reassuring?

**DENNIS**

You're not gay are you? 

**GILFOYLE**

We're almost there. Only a few more minutes.

INT. THE INCUBATOR - NIGHT

RICHARD and ERLICH enter the workspace with the beer.

**ERLICH**

Hey, everyone, we come with tidings of beer--what the fuck is this?

CHARLIE and FRANK (asleep) are eating massive amounts of food. The pantry has been completely raided.

**ERLICH**

_Jared!_

Enter JARED.

**JARED**

Yes? What's the problem?

**ERLICH**

I thought someone was supposed to be keeping an eye on them.

**JARED**

I'm sorry. Dee needed me. She's using my tablet, and I have to make sure she doesn't click on any company related items.

**RICHARD**

Where are Dinesh and Gilfoyle?

**JARED**

Hm?

**RICHARD**

They should be here watching over--where's Mac?

Enter MAC with a katana.

**MAC**

_Heyah!!!!_

**ERLICH**

That's my katana! What are you doing sneaking around with other people's weaponry?

ERLICH takes the sword from MAC and sheaths it.

**CHARLIE**

Where've you been Mac?

**MAC**

Exploring this place. It's so fucking huge. I got lost for a second. It doesn't make any fucking sense.

**ERLICH**

Anyway, we have some beer for you seeing as you're our guests, and it's the least we can do to be hospitable. 

**MAC**

_Sweet._ I raided your fridge and drank all the soft stuff, so this should really hit the spot.

MAC and CHARLIE each take a beer.

**MAC**

Chugging contest. GO!

The two chug, and although CHARLIE is obscenely high, he still finishes first.

**CHARLIE**

Come on, man, you need to stop. You're just embarrassing yourself.

MAC continues for a few more seconds while RICHARD and ERLICh stare. MAC ends, out of breath.

INT. GILFOYLE'S STATION WAGON - NIGHT

SHOT: GILFOYLE PULLS UP TO THE CURB IN FRONT OF A CLUB.

**DINESH**

Okay, we're here.

**GILFOYLE**

Except we need to find parking. It's a headache down here, so it might take a while.

**DENNIS**

I totally get it. City parking sucks. I'll get out and meet you guys inside, huh?

**GILFOYLE**

Sounds perfect. See you later.

Exit DENNIS.

SHOT: GILFOYLE PULLS AWAY, LEAVING DENNIS.

CUT TO: GILFOYLE ON THE HIGHWAY.

**DINESH**

I feel kind of guilty.

**GILFOYLE**

Don't.

**DINESH**

Not for him. For whoever he might run into. Is it our fault if he murders someone tonight?

**GILFOYLE**

He might murder us in our sleep for rights to his stupid fucking app. I wouldn't put him past it.

**DINESH**

We're just doing this for our safety.

**GILFOYLE**

Exactly.

**DINESH**

(worried)

Did you hear that?

**GILFOYLE**

Did I hear what? The sound of you whining because I saved you from a predator?

**DINESH**

No, I think something's wrong with the car.

**GILFOYLE**

It's just your guilt and paranoia talking. Don't worry it's nothing.

The station wagon breaks down.

EXT. THE HIGHWAY - NIGHT

**DINESH**

Fuck. I don't know anything about cars.

**GILFOYLE**

I do, but that doesn't make my radiator any less busted. 

**DINESH**

I can't believe we're stranded in the middle of nowhere because of your shitty ass car.

**GILFOYLE**

I'll just call a tow-truck.

**DINESH**

Are you kidding? After hours towing is ridiculously expensive. 

**GILFOYLE**

Maybe on your salary.

 

GILFOYLE tries his phone, but there's no service.

**DINESH**

Do you really want to go back to a house full of erratic man children?

**GILFOYLE**

You've got a point. I think there was a motel a couple miles ahead.

**DINESH**

No, I'm not walking at night with coyotes for who knows how long. We can just stay in the car.

**GILFOYLE**

Suit yourself.

GILFOYLE walks away, while DINESH gets back in the car.

 **DINESH**  
  
Deep down you know I'm right!

SHOT: 5 hours later.

DINESH sleeps in the back with the seats flipped down. He hears a knock at the window and startles.

**GILFOYLE**

It's Dennis Reynolds.

**DINESH**

Shut the fuck up. I thought you were going to a motel.

**GILFOYLE**

(climbing in the driver's seat)

I walked until my phone ran out of battery life.

**DINESH**

Wow, that is pathetic.

**GILFOYLE**

Not my finest moment, but you've done way more idiotic shit. Like taking out the power on the entire block for instance.

**DINESH**

I can't believe you walked all the way back to the car just because your phone died.

**GILFOYLE**

(plugging his phone into a small mobile power source to recharge his phone)

It's more that I didn't want you fucking with my car.

**DINESH**

I could not possibly fuck up this car more than it is already. No, you were wrong. Admit it. There was no motel.

 

GILFOYLE is silent.

**DINESH**

I knew it! And you can't take it that I was right.

**GILFOYLE**

This doesn't leave the station wagon.

 

INT. THE INCUBATOR - MORNING

RICHARD and ERLICH are asleep on couches in the living room. CHARLIE's asleep on the floor. FRANK's asleep in his chair.

DEE keeps JARED by her side in ERLICH's room. JARED finally feels like it's safe to fall asleep until DEE wakes up.

**DEE**

Good morning, J-dog. Ah, I slept like shit. How about you?

**JARED**

I didn't actually--

**DEE**

Could you go get me some of those yogurts? I would, but I'm a little dizzy and I don't want to hurt my head on the way there and have to sue you.

**JARED**

Sure.

RICHARD stirs.

**RICHARD**

Erlich, wake up.

**ERLICH**

Mmmm.

**RICHARD**

Wake up! We need a plan! 

**ERLICH**

We're fine. It's only...8 o'clock? Holy shit.

**RICHARD**

What happened last night?

**ERLICH**

We gave them the beer, and then we had some celebratory drinks.

**RICHARD**

Did you give me a spiked beer?

**ERLICH**

Maybe it slipped my mind that I had put sleeping medicine in all the beer okay!

ERLICH and RICHARD get up and walk into the workspace.

Enter DINESH and GILFOYLE.

**ERLICH**

Whoa, where were you guys last night?

**GILFOYLE**

Car broke down, so we walked to a motel.

**RICHARD**

Where's Dennis?

**DINESH**

Uh, we sort of...dropped him off at a club and left.

**ERLICH**

Nice one! We should've done that.

**RICHARD**

Where's Mac? I don't see him.

**GILFOYLE**

You guys can look for him. I'm in desperate need of a shower.

INT. GILFOYLE'S ROOM -  MORNING

Opening the door, GILFOYLE finds MAC fast asleep in his bed.

INT. THE INCUBATOR - MORNING

GILFOYLE drags MAC out of his room by the collar of his shirt.

**GILFOYLE**

I don't care that you hate me, but touch my fucking things, and I'll tear you apart.

**MAC**

Oh, yeah?

GILFOYLE starts forward, but DINESH intervenes. MAC flinches.

DEE enters.

**DEE**

Jaaaarreed, what's the hold up? I gotta get all healed up if I'm not pressing charges.

Enter DENNIS through the front door. He's disheveled, a complete mess.

**GILFOYLE**

You're lucky I didn't call Dateline while you were gone. 

**DENNIS**

Mac, Charlie, Dee. We need to get out of here. _Frank!_

FRANK wakes up.

**FRANK**

Hm, what's going on?

**DENNIS**

We have to leave California immediately.

**DEE**

Wait, what, we can't go. I gotta extort money from these guys and go to the beach and have fun like all the ladies in LA.

**MAC**

What about the app?

**DENNIS**

Fuck the app!

**FRANK**

Wait a minute! We can't leave without the name. A man's name is all that he's got, and if we aren't Paddy's, who are we?

**DEE**

Frank, we just needed the name for the app, not the bar.

**FRANK**

Oh, then why do we give a shit?

**MAC**

I was lost as well. I just don't like to ask questions.

**CHARLIE**

Questions are too hard especially when Dennis doesn't like to repeat himself.

**DENNIS**

It's a simple app that would streamline services by uploading your money via paypal onto our app. You'd pay for the beer using Paddy's dollars, which are nonrefundable, and after a certain amount of drinks, which are denoted by little shamrocks, you'd get a Paddy's Payday.

**ERLICH**

What, dare I ask, is a Paddy's Payday?

**DENNIS**

Ah, it's a free beer, but it doesn't matter because we're scrapping it.

**FRANK**

Because it's a shit idea!

**DENNIS**

It's _not_ a shit idea, Frank. We just need to leave right now.

**RICHARD**

Good. Get out of here.

**ERLICH**

(to FRANK)

Wait. Is there anyway you'll be able to repay us for the damages?

**FRANK**

What damages? The meat sauce? It rains here doesn't it? Let's go.

**DEE**

(to DENNIS)

What did you do, ruin a girl's life last night?

**DENNIS**

I'm not telling _you what I did and did not do in front of these strangers, you nosey bitch!_

**JARED**

Whoa, I'm sensing some hostility. Maybe she doesn't need to go with them.

**DENNIS**

Oh, she's going with us or else I'll do to her what I did to Chelsea.

**CHARLIE**

Who's Chelsea?

**DEE**

And what did you do to her?

**DENNIS**

Dee, I swear if you open your mouth again, I will rip out those horse teeth of yours and make them into cufflinks. We are leaving _now._

**MAC**

I just need to put my shoes on--

**DENNIS**

_Now!_

The entire GANG leaves.

**DINESH**

What did he do to that poor lady?

**JARED**

Should we call the cops?

**ERLICH**

No, we'll just be implicated in the whole crime. Best thing to do is pretend they were never here, right Richard?

**RICHARD**

Yeah. This never happened.

**ERLICH**

Except I'm re-instituting rent to pay for the damages.

**GILFOYLE**

That's it. I'm moving.

**DINESH**

Me, too. I can't live here with only Richard and Jared. No offense Richard.

**RICHARD**

No, I get it.

**ERLICH**

Or, I could charge it all to Richard because technically this is all his fault.

**GILFOYLE**

You've somehow managed to change my mind.

**DINESH**

Yeah, I'd prefer not to move if I don't have to. It's such a hassle.

**RICHARD**

(to ERLICH)

What the fuck?

**ERLICH**

You let those people into my house, Richard. They ate all my food and my drugs! There's blood in the pool, and I had to pay $3,000 for that woman's emergency room visit.

**JARED**

I did say you should've called the cops.

**RICHARD**

Not now, Jared.

GILFOYLE walks out of his room holding his bedspread.

**GILFOYLE**

You owe me a new bedspread, too. Mac masturbated on mine, and now I have to burn it.

END

 


End file.
